


Not all that different

by LorelaiFromNow



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Friends to Lovers, It's a long stream of thought, M/M, Odd Narration, Pepper Potts is a sweetheart also, This thing doesn't really end, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark-centric, almost canon compliant, dude - Freeform, i guess, sort of canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-23 07:15:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4867919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LorelaiFromNow/pseuds/LorelaiFromNow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Almost canon-Almost AU story where Tony and Coulson become friends because that's what they should have been from the very beginning. </p><p>It begins with friendship. The trust comes next. Then they fall in love. Then they give up together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not all that different

**Author's Note:**

> This was written because I love Clark Gregg and because Agent Coulson is a sassy little shit. I've been reading Gabriel García Márquez so the narration and the timing are odd in this.

First, they became friends

Tony had to be hospitalized in SHIELD’s facilities after he finally modified his arc reactor because palladium poisoning was not something he could fix quickly. Fury, afraid that Tony might be able to destroy his agency from the inside, assigned Coulson to be his babysitter. Coulson hadn’t been impressed –at all– at first, but they quickly bonded over WWII memorabilia and Captain America.

“Dad saved up a lot of shit. He liked to pretend he had actually fought with the rest of them.” He shrugged. “A couple of months after I was born, he and Peggy actually bought a lot of shit that had been put up for sale. I think most of it belonged to Captain America. Some of his old uniforms, a copy of his medical history and some old pictures–mom was fucking pissed.”

“My collection actually began with one of Captain America’s masks. My father won it in a poker game and I took it before he managed to lose it again.” Tony grinned because Coulson was particularly charming when he went all fanboy; his voice became higher and breathier and he looked much younger than he usually did.

“Steve Rogers became a different person the more my dad talked about him. I think he forgot he was an actual person and started living off the legend. The tales about how much Rogers despised the costume and all the publicity became non-existent…I think he knew that and it made him sad, so he talked a little bit more.  

One problem with their friendship was the fact that they both lived pretty hectic life. Tony hadn’t been left completely out of the hook by the doctors at SHIELD when Coulson was sent in another mission to New Mexico. He was surprised, though, when Coulson took the initiative to call him. It happened the day after his meeting with Fury, the one in which he was told about his many flaws but asked to work as a consultant for SHIELD…although, when one thought about the fact that while Tony had been clutching his metaphorical pearls because of what Natasha had written, Coulson had been meeting a god from another dimension, one ended up thinking that Tony’s life was a whole load of shit.

“Are you even authorized to be telling me this?” Tony asked when Phil (because he couldn’t refer to him by any other name) finally stopped to take a breath.

“Well…Fury would kill me if he knew, but he doesn’t have to know, right?” Tony laughed again, taking a sip from his drink. “I’m certainly out of my depth and Fury is going crazy with all of this. I think he expected the aliens to be a little bit greener and a lot less magical–he’s scared, but he doesn’t want to admit it.”

“We _are_ talking about super powerful gods from another dimension that seem to be able to make us disappear in a blink of an eye” Tony, always helpful. He could almost feel Phil’s glare, even though they hadn’t included video in their call. “I know you don’t approve, Phil, but I know that if I were in Fury’s position, if I had that tech at my disposal, I _would_ want to know as much as I could about it.”

“Tony, he doesn’t know what we’re dealing with. And–he’s not quite sure what to do with you; what to do with the fact that there’s another suit in the hands of the US Army; what to do with Hulk…we have a lot in our plate and knowing a little bit about that thing won’t be a guarantee that it will not come back to bite us in the ass.” He could tell that Phil was growing a bit more agitated. Much as they couldn’t quite see eye-to-eye in that particular topic, he actually wanted to help Phil out.

“Phil, calm down” He said firmly. He was surprised when the fast talking stopped at the other end of the line. He smiled and waited a second before continuing. “You know you won’t be able to change Fury’s mind, don’t try. It’s a waste of time and energy and you don’t have enough of those to spare.”

“If he manages to end the world, I’m holding you accountable.” Phil finally said after a moment of silence.

“And I’ll tell you that I’d rather have Fury ending the world than a bunch of really hot, freakishly tall aliens.” And that, finally, was able to get a loud, long laugh out of Phil Coulson. Tony smiled because he liked the sound and waited until Phil calmed down before continuing.

“You’d be put off by the amazing ability they have to whine all the time. They complain and cry and generally behave like over-grown toddlers.” It was Tony’s turn to laugh.

“I’m really fucking sure Fury will kill you if he knows you told me all of this” He says after a moment.

“He knows I have to keep my sanity somehow. This was Barton’s job a couple of years ago, but he went all family-man, and I hardly ever see him.”

“You don’t have to excuse the fact that you _like_ me” He said with a smile, almost singing. “And I’m all for rebelling against Fury’s totalitarian regime.”

The next day, Phil called him again, this time to ask him to take part of a plot to keep Blonsky from joining the Avengers. Tony agreed and when he tells Phil about the whole thing, the agent laughed, and laughed, _and laughed_ for what seems like hours.

Their friendship reached its true magnitude when Phil called him from a hospital in Louisiana, of all places, and asked him to pick him up. Tony –unwilling to admit that he was shaking and probably freaking out,– packed up two suits and flew to Youngsville, Louisiana.

“You look like shit.” He told the agent after a moment of watching him from the door. Phil was a little bit pale, a little bit bruised, but none of that looked permanent.

“They sent a rookie with me as backup…the kid freaked out and left me without an extraction plan. I’m okay though, you should see the other guys.” Tony rolled his eyes, but accepted the small comfort for what it was. “Thank you for coming.”

“Don’t even mention it–I’m serious. Never mention it.” Phil smiled a little bit, but his eyes were still serious.

“I need to ask you a favor.” That picked Tony’s interest. Phil was a prideful little shit; the last person on Earth he would imagine asking him for a favor. He pushed a chair towards the side of the bed and sat down. There was something a little bit grave in Phil’s eyes and it worried him.

“Up until last year, my mother was my proxy. That means that if something happened to me, she would be the first person anyone should call and if I ended up in a position where I was not able to make decisions for myself, she would be in the position to make them. Unfortunately, my mother died the day after Christmas and I haven’t had the time nor the will to change it.”

“Phil–” he began, but stopped when he saw the look in Phil’s eyes.

“If I had lost consciousness, they would have called Fury. Fury, then, would have called some agent to come here and pick me up. Call me sentimental, but the last thing I want to see when I’m hurt is some unknown agent’s face.” He took a deep breath. Tony knew where it was going, but he also knew that Phil actually needed to be able to voice the question. “Would you be my proxy? I know–we haven’t known each other for long, but right now you’re a person that I trust will have my best interests in mind and who will find a way to make time to–do this.” He waved his arms, clearly referring to the fact that Tony had gone to Youngsville, Louisiana in the span of an hour.

“I’m apparently unable to care for a puppy,” Phil opened his mouth, possibly to protest, but it was Tony’s time to stop him. “It’s okay, man. I will take care of you.” He finished with a grin. Scarily enough, Obadiah had become his proxy after his parents had died all those years ago. He hadn’t changed it until Obadiah’s death, and then he had appointed Pepper. Short of people of trust as he was, he had never quite been in Phil’s position.

Four hours later, Phil was finally discharged. He was sore and still a little bit upset, but he looked a lot better than he had before. He actually smiled and clapped his hands when Tony told him he would be inside an Iron Man suit for the trip back to New York.

“I can’t actually let you drive it,” Tony said as he helped Phil get inside the armor. “Not only are you hurt, but learning JARVIS controls can be a little bit tricky. Besides, this way you can sleep on your way back.”

“I’m going to be inside an Iron Man suit, why would I sleep?” Tony chuckled, making sure everything was in order. Then, he activated his own suit and turned on the communications between the two. “How can you focus on anything with all of this?”

“ _Sir would like to pretend he does, but he doesn’t. He flies and trusts I will tell him anything he needs to know.”_

“Hello, JARVIS.” Phil’s voice was amused. Tony felt the need to scream ‘bloody traitor’ at his AI.

“ _Good afternoon, Agent Coulson. I’m quite glad you seem to be okay. Master was out of his mind with worry.”_ The colloquial expression, Tony noticed, sounded out of place in the AI’s British accent.

“Next time I’m in a hospital in the middle of nowhere, I will make sure to call you and give you just enough details for you to be able to find me, but not know anything about what happened to me. We’ll see if it’s funny.”

The thing is, their relationship stayed the same up until the point where Phil was killed.

They would talk as often as they could for as long as they could manage. Phil told him a lot of classified information and Tony made a point out of not telling anyone, not even Pepper and not even Fury to throw the fact that his agent was a lying little shit in his face, that he knew all the things he knew. Tony, in turn, ended up calling Phil every time he fought with Pepper and every time he forgot something he shouldn’t have forgotten. He wasn’t sure if anyone knew about their friendship because they hadn’t talked about it with Phil and because it was no one’s business. It was theirs.

Then, Captain America was found alive.

Well, actually, it wasn’t an important occurrence. Phil called him, almost in tears of excitement, and told him all about the exploration and how they had realized Steve Rogers was actually alive. Tony was brave enough to admit that he had been a little bit jealous because Phil had never shown that much excitement over anything Tony did. Besides, he had his own little issues with Steve Rogers because of his father, it was completely understandable how thrown off he had been by it all.

“They won’t even let me go see him. They put Sitwell in charge of his waking up process…the idiot fucked up and Captain Rogers ran out into the street thinking he had been kidnapped by HYDRA.”

“Evidence number 17.465 that my dear Phil does not like Jasper Sitwell, I suppose.” Tony pointed out dryly. He had no doubt Sitwell had actually fucked up, but he also knew that whomever had taken over the task of accompanying Captain America, Phil would have thought they were a bunch of idiotic, incompetent assholes.

“Do not make fun of me.” Tony laughed because Phil sounded whiny. He cursed when the movement caused him to burn his hand. “Are you okay?” Phil asked, the amusement leaving his voice completely.

“I’m fine, Phil, just burned myself a little bit.” He admitted. Truth to be told, it wasn’t the first injury he had sustained that night. He was usually much more careful, but he was supposed to open the tower in less than a week and he was exhausted.

They wouldn’t talk again until, precisely, the date of the inauguration, when Phil turned up in his doorstep with a folder and a grim, very grim look. Pepper looked questioningly at Tony when he accepted the folder without a second thought and when he offered Phil a glass of brandy –why anyone would prefer brandy over a good whiskey, Tony had no idea, but he knew better than to start an argument with an exhausted secret agent.

“Clint’s been compromised.” Phil said, miraculously accepting the liquor.

“Clint?” Tony asked, surprised.

“It wasn’t voluntary. Loki–” He stopped when he realized Pepper was still in the room. Not even thinking about what it meant, Tony shot her a pleading look, silently asking her to go to their bedroom while he talked to Phil. He didn’t notice just how hurt she was by his plea. “Loki has some sort of–I don’t even know. It’s an alien – thing, and he touched Clint’s chest with it.”

“Did you talk to–?”

“Natasha called Laura. She went into hiding. We don’t know what Loki’s endgame is, but we cannot ensure her safety if she remains in places Barton knows about.” He rubbed his forehead with his fingers. Tony felt the urge to touch him, to offer some sort of comfort, but instead opened the folder and started to read.

“I thought they had called off the Avengers Initiative” He said after a moment of silence. Phil turned his head and looked at him for a moment before replying.

“Fury had been waiting for the opportunity to bring you back together. I think he was hoping for an alien invasion that would justify bringing up the proposal again. Natasha will pick Dr. Banner up, Fury has to bring Captain Rogers in and he asked me to ask you.” Tony nodded. “I have to go back to the base.” He stood up, gathered his things and prepared to leave. Then, he turned around again. “Tony–please behave? I know you don’t like Captain Rogers and I know you don’t like Fury and barely tolerate Natasha but–”

“For you” He replied. Phil grinned and, to Tony’s surprised, cupped his cheek. Tony blushed brightly, but leaned into the touch.

“I have to believe everything will be fine” Were his last words to Tony.

Tony mostly kept his promise. He wasn’t really surprised when he met Captain America and realized he was an arrogant bastard with an unbearable superiority complex. He also wasn’t surprised when he realized Fury certainly hadn’t told Phil everything and, obviously, wasn’t telling them everything. He tried to be in his best behavior, but manipulation did not sit well with him and he didn’t appreciate how Fury was playing with the fact that Phil was simply a good man.

None of it ended up mattering when Fury informed them that Phil had died. In that moment, Tony understood what some people meant when they described how their worlds had crumbled around them. And it was ridiculous because they hadn’t been friends for all that long…maybe a year. But it was difficult to think of a world where Phil Coulson was not alive–

–he let out a small sob once Fury left the room.

“Tony?” He jumped when Steve’s hand fell on his shoulder. He looked up to the blonde, and the sight was enough to make him swallow his tears.

“I’m going to kill that son of a bitch” He swore, lowly. Steve’s eyes narrowed in concern, and he opened his mouth to protest. “I’m sure you would do the same if you managed to capture the people responsible for Bucky Barnes’ death alive, blondie” He said meanly. Instead of getting angry, though, Steve’s eyes lit up with understanding and sympathy filled his features.

“Let’s go.”

Tony would discover in the following months that, for him, it was much easier to get over his own parents’ death than to get over Phil’s murder. Pepper didn’t say much as he began to build the Iron Legion; she didn’t say much as he started to spend days and days locked up in his garage building suit after suit–

–she did say something when he woke up screaming Phil’s name whenever he decided to actually spend the night with her.  

She then broke up with him when, after waking up from the surgery to remove the shrapnel form his chest, Fury informed him Coulson was alive and back from his recovery trip. Pepper, with a face full of tears, told him that as much as he loved him she could not deal with the fact that he was in loved with someone else. She kissed his cheek softly and, because she was a wonderful human being with the biggest heart ever known to man, wished him the best of lucks. He hugged her and kissed her forehead and told her she would always be her best friend and that she deserved to be admired, happy and loved by someone who could truly appreciate her.

Tony didn’t go into denial regarding his feelings for Phil because he was too busy screaming at Fury for hiding the truth for him. He only stopped when Fury begged him, _begged **him**_ , not to give Coulson any shit for the trip. In that moment, Tony decided that something was weird about the whole thing, but was too impatient to see Phil to do anything about it.

“Tony.” He found Phil at the gym in SHIELD’s Washington headquarters. He looked good…if a little bit thinner than the last time he had seen him. Tony’s eyes filled with tears as he finally wrapped his arms around Phil.

“Fuck…fuck” He melted against Phil’s slightly sweaty body when, at last, his arms wrapped around his trembling frame. “Fuck…you can’t do this to me again…you can’t” He whispered, finally pulling back to look at Phil’s face. He took a moment to appreciate the odd color of his eyes, the shape of his nose and the curve of his lips before pressing his mouth against his. Phil let out a small breath before kissing back with equal favor.

It would take them several minutes before they were able to let go of each other long enough for Phil to clean up. Fury hadn’t told him much, probably because he knew anything he told him, he would to Phil. However, he did tell him that Phil had spent a few months in Tahiti recovering from the attack and that the whole thing had not been completely voluntary.

So they didn’t talk about that.

“I think Pepper knew since the day you came into the tower.” They were sitting in a couch in Phil’s temporary office. Phil had told him they would eventually give him his own team and a different location, but that he was currently under strict observation and evaluation to determine if the attack had left any kind of long-lasting damage–physical or otherwise. They were sitting facing each other; Tony had a leg lying on top of one of Phil’s and Phil had both his hands wrapped around one of Tony’s.

“Nick’s been giving me shit since I got here and I started to ask for you” A weird look crossed Phil’s face for a moment, but Tony didn’t ask. “Are you sure?”

“I love you.” He answered honestly. He smiled against Phil’s lips when he decided kissing Tony was an appropriate response to his declaration. “I don’t give a shit about most of the world, so I don’t really mind going public. I know the amount of invisibility you need, though–I’m not willing to jeopardize you in such a way.”

“If you asked me–”

“But I won’t. I wouldn’t” He told him seriously. In a move that reminded him of their last meeting at his apartment, before the Chitauri invasion and everything that came after, Phil cupped his cheek–the only difference, though, was that he brought their face together and pressed a kiss to Tony’s lips. “I know you’re excited about building your team…we don’t have to see each other every day. I can come and visit you every other week and you can do the same thing with me.” And yes, he knew that if he could he would spend the rest of his life with Phillip fucking Coulson.

Tony met Melinda May because the agent decided to kidnap him. Fury decided, after some time thinking, that Tony should be aware of the process they had put Phil through in order to bring him back–not that he had known they had had to bring him back before that moment.

“He–he’s going to be mad.” He was conflicted. On the one hand, he was fucking happy that Phil was alive and he got a nasty feeling in his gut when he thought about the possibility of his death having being a permanent feature. On the other hand, he knew Phil had never approved of that particular project and dreaded the moment when he found out about what SHIELD had done.

“He’s alive and we’re hopeful whatever was done will not have long-lasting effects.” May told him curtly. Tony didn’t really like Melinda May. She was cold and standoffish and he was sure that if she wanted, she would be able to kill him with her little finger. Phil had talked to him about Melinda; he knew something bad had happened to her that had changed her, but that didn’t make the fact that he didn’t trust her any less true.

“And when he finds out–”

“We’ll cross that bridge when it comes. You’re can’t tell him. If he’s going to find out, let it happen on its own, but you can deny that you knew should he ask in the future.”

“So you’re asking me to lie to my–Phil twice. It would be easier if I told him.”

“He is on the road of finding out what happened. He knows something is not quite right with his memories and he will do what he has to do to find out what’s wrong. That process is necessary in order to bring himself some closure–if you tell him now, he will just be mad and start blaming everyone around him.”

“If he breaks up with me I will find a way to destroy SHIELD.” It was not a threat, it was a promise because he had worked hard to earn Phil’s trust, he didn’t want to lose it.

“You’re underestimating just how stubborn Coulson is when it comes to you.”

He managed to keep the secret for the record time of one month. He decided to trust Melinda, though, and, instead of calling Phil, he reached out to Bruce Banner. Bruce, who had agreed to take a room in the tower every time he was in the city, was the kind of man Tony usually went for: intelligent, strong, and handsome…he was a little bit more insecure than his usual type, but he was sure if Phil didn’t exist, he would be all over that man.

“Does anyone else know?” Bruce asked when Tony finished his story. Tony grinned and shrugged.

“You can never be sure of what anyone at SHIELD knows, Dr. Banner. I know Phil told Fury and Fury probably told Hill, but I don’t know about Natasha or Clint or anyone else. I’m pretty sure Steve figured something was up when Fury told us Phil was dead, though…and Pepper, Pepper also figured it out.”

“Who knows that Agent Coulson is alive?” Tony shrugged again.

“Pepper, of course. I don’t think Fury took the time to tell Steve and I don’t think Clint knows…Natasha could have found out because there’s a clearance level for that thing. I don’t really know what people know and I’m sure Fury would have my balls if he knew I told you, but that’s okay…I figured he would rather have me sane and talkative than crazy and closed off.”

“I wouldn’t bet on _that_ , but I get your point.” Tony laughed at that, loving the doctor’s newfound cheekiness. “They’re sure the process has secondary effects?” He finally asked. Tony nodded, biting his lip nervously.

“The initial project was a disaster. People went crazy–quite literally. They solved it by erasing their memories, so they’re hoping erasing Phil’s will have the same effect. Phil’s been weird, though, worried, and I don’t think all of that is because of what is happening with SHIELD right now.”

“Why did Director Fury tell you? What purpose does it serve?” Tony scratched the side of his goatee and then leaned back against the chair.

“I think he’s afraid Phil will go rouge when he finds out…Phil doesn’t quite trust Fury anymore. He feels like there’re too many secrets and too much bullshit within the agency. Fury probably thinks that if he finds out about this, Phil will take whomever wants to go with him and fight against SHIELD.”

“Which wouldn’t be absurd.” Bruce points out.

“Phil’s not one for bullshit, no, but he’s not one for backstabbing, either. He would rather just quit and get as far away from SHIELD as he could. But Fury is getting paranoid. There’s notice of some dirty agents and he’s worried that the few he trusts will turn their backs on him. He’s–he figured out I have some sort of control over Phil and he’s thinks I will be able to calm him down when the time comes. He also–he thinks it’ll be easier for Phil to forgive him if he already managed to forgive _me_.”

“You’ve thought about this” Bruce doesn’t really sound surprised.

“When May finally dropped me off at the tower, my first instinct was to call Phil. Everything she said sounded like bullshit and I had to take the time to actually think about it. I’m still not sure I’m doing the right thing, and I’m still not sure if Phil will be able to forgive me once he finds out they told me and I didn’t tell him. I’ve _had_ to think about this.”

“Tony…I think he has the right to know. At this point you’ve kept an important secret for him, so he will be mad, but he should be told and _you_ should be the one to tell him. That said, if you betray SHIELD–”

“They will blacklist me.” He finished. “I’ve also thought about the possibility that May knew what I would do if she told me. I don’t think she’s quite happy with all the secrecy. She’s loyal to Phil, I think, and she knows just how pissed he will be when he finds about all of this.” He sighed. “I need to see him.” Bruce didn’t say anything, but his silence felt a lot like approval.

Tony did end up telling Phil. He told him everything May had told him and the little bit he had researched on his own. Phil got a little bit angry when he realized Tony had thought about keeping the secret, but his anger towards the rest of the world quickly swallowed it down.

“I’m not a fucking child.” Phil was not one to swear. He had been raised with Captain’s America old image and he had grown up convinced Captain America never swore. Phil was proper and serious and curse words didn’t fit well with that image. Tony nodded because it was all he could do. “Fury knew what would happen, he went against my wishes.” He continued.

“Baby, I can’t–I can’t be mad at Fury for doing it, you know that, right?” And for a moment, Phil looked so betrayed, it literally hurt Tony. “Not the secrecy, the procedure. I’m selfish and I–I can’t think about the possibility of you not being here, of me never being able to tell you how I felt. I love you” He added quietly. It broke Phil defenses; he gathered Tony in his arms and brought him close, kissing his forehead and his cheeks and the bridge of his nose.

“I still hate him.”

“Anything is a good excuse to hate Fury, I’m totally behind that” Tony said, quite cockily. Phil laughed and kissed him again.

“I’ve–I’ve been having nightmares. I thought I was going crazy. There’s also this–it’s anxiety and I haven’t been able to figure out exactly what it’s over. And–you told me about the project but if I think about its name all I can think about it’s that stupid phrase.” He confessed. Tony rubbed his eyes with his fingers, hating everything about everyone in that moment.

“I can talk about this with Dr. Banner–if you’re sure you need to remember.” Phil nodded. Tony kissed him again, just because he could and because they hadn’t seen each other in months, before pulling away. “I suppose your team is waiting for you” He said, rubbing his lips to diffuse the sensation of Phil’s lips against his.

“If I’m being honest, right now I just want to fuck you, if that’s okay.” Tony laughed, for the longest time, at that. It was the most honest answer Phil could have given and Tony just loved him for it.

Tony did not end up doing anything about Phil’s memory loss. He would never go into details over what happened, but, to sum things up, Phil was kidnapped, and a machine was used on him to bring back his memories and, more importantly, break the block that made it impossible for him to think about the things that were wrong with his head. He, because May basically forced him, ended up calling Tony to tell him about the dreams and the compulsion and then again to tell him that it was a map and that everything had gone to shit.

–dude, Tony’s priorities are pretty fucked up. A lot of shit happened before that.

SHIELD fell because it had been infiltrated by HYDRA from the very beginning. Fury was killed but then he was alive and someone organized a huge ass hack on Stark Industries that JARVIS managed to stop because he was that awesome. Phil fell out of the face of Earth for a whole week and when he came back he did as the new Director of SHIELD and a whole lot of opinions about a lot of shit. Phil asked him to check on Clint and Linda because the agent had been mostly absent ever since the Battle of New York, and told him not to trust anyone.

Phil should have known that Tony’s trust issues were bad enough by that point and that his warning did not have much use for someone who double checked his barista’s background before accepting any beverages from them. It was hard, however, to turn Captain America away when he knocked on his door a couple of weeks after the whole HYDRA/SHIELD debacle.

“Spangles, so nice to see you. I would have appreciated if you’d accepted any of my offers to have dinner or at least stay here while you were in New York, but your presence is nice all the same.” Tony rambled as he let Steve inside.

“Hello, Tony.” Tony took a moment, just a little moment, to appreciate just how attractive Steve Rogers was. His father, once or twice and while very drunk, had mentioned it. Apparently, it wasn’t just the serum. The serum had given him the hot bod, of course, but there was just something nice about Steve’s face that Tony could shamelessly appreciate. “I trust you were debriefed about SHIELD’s falling?” He asked as he sat down. He looked hilariously big in Tony’s fancy, and tiny, sofa.

“Yes, they told me about it.” He would roll his eyes because of Steve’s ridiculously formal language, but chose not to. “What about it?”

“They–have you heard about Bucky Barnes?” He asked, probably knowing the answer.

“Sargent James Buchanan Barnes. I’ve heard of him, once or twice.” He didn’t bother offering Steve a drink and instead went to sit in front of him with his. Steve took a moment to look reprovingly at his glass, but didn’t say anything.

“He’s alive. Sort of.” Tony stopped drinking and looked at Steve in surprise.

“How…?”

“I don’t know the details yet, but it’s my understanding that HYDRA took him after he fell and–I don’t know, brainwashed him? He’s been in their power for the last six decades. He became an assassin under the codename ‘The Winter Soldier’” And that name was familiar to Tony. He had read about him a few times and he knew that the years before his death, his father had been terrified of that man. “I–I don’t know if there’s anything left from my Bucky in that man, but–but I need to have some sort of hope. I want to find him, bring him home, but–”

“Steve” Tony prompted him when Steve hesitation became too long for him to handle.

“I think he killed Howard?” He phrased it like a question, but Tony knew Steve and he knew Steve wouldn’t suggest such a thing unless he was completely sure. His hands started to shake and he had to put down the glass he had been holding. He had been sure that his parents’ death hadn’t been an accident ever since Obadiah had come into his bedroom to tell him about them. His dad, while prone to drink frequently, had always been very anal about his mother’s security. He would have never allowed himself to touch a car while inebriated. Besides, his mother never drank and she was perfectly capable of driving a car. Finally, his father would have rather called Jarvis or…well, anyone before taking the risk of driving a car drunk, at night.

No one ever really believed him. They all told him he just wanted to find some sort of explanation, of justification, because he had gone through a traumatic event. Losing a parent was difficult for any person, let alone losing both of them at the same time. Given people’s refusal to take him seriously, he then tried to make the research on his own, but Obadiah convinced him it was stupid and it would only end up hurting his father’s image further.

He felt himself hyperventilating and he had to press his face between his legs in order to catch his breath. In front of him, Steve was quiet and still…almost like waiting for a jury’s veredict.

“What will you do if you find him?” Tony finally asked. Steve shrugged, biting the tip of his thumb.

“I don’t know, not yet. I want to believe I can bring him back…break whatever thing they did in order to block his memories and make him who he is right now. I have a friend –his name is Sam– he’s a vet that works as a counselor for other vets. He things we can treat this as a variant of PTSD if we see that he’s willing to cooperate.”

“Do you think he will be?” The laugh Steve lets out is dry and a little bit bitter. It does not fit with Captain America, the country’s sweetheart.

“He saved my life. I think there’s a part of him that knows me. I know I can work with that part. I just need some–secrecy, I think. I told you because if he did kill Howard I think you deserved to know–”

“I will give you whatever resources you might need, spangles, but I don’t think I can have him in here. I had nightmares about the person that hypothetically killed my parents for years. I dreamed that he came back and tried to kill me and I dreamed that he kidnapped me and torture me. I–I know this is hard for you, Steve, I know it but–”

“Tony, I can’t ask you for anything but your understanding. He’s–he was the most important person in my life and if there’s any chance that he might still be out there, I will do anything it takes to bring him back. I just needed to make sure that this would create a rift between us.”

“I will trust your instincts, Cap.” Was all Tony said.

A year or so later, Phil activated the protocol to call the Avengers. Things between the two of them weren’t great at that point. Phil hadn’t gotten over his habit of keeping secrets from Tony and every time he found out about one of his encounters with death, he got pissed and Phil, in turned, got pissed at him for being angry. It was a vicious cycle that was not at all helped by the fact that they hadn’t seen each other much and Tony had felt more and more useless in the resent months due to his lack of activity.

Everything that happened after that point could be attributed to the fact that Tony was a heavy trauma survivor that suffered from PTSD and had never had a way with people to begin with. It also had a lot to do with the fact that he was a genius with access to technology and resources and that he had never been good at dealing with mysteries. He also didn’t really like most of his team, even if he had managed to reach some sort of…mutual respect with Steve Rogers. Everything just happened because of a series of unfortunate circumstances mixed with Tony’s own deplorable personality traits.

It ended with Ultron almost destroying the whole world, Tony almost dying and Phil once again off the face of Earth. For someone who was supposedly in charge of the organization behind the Avengers, Phil surely had a surprising freedom to disappear whenever he pleased.

–he would regret his harsh thoughts when he was called into the hospital and told that Phil had lost his left hand after almost dying because of some alien voodoo.

“I don’t want to do this anymore” Tony whispered. He didn’t realize what he had said until he saw the way Phil’s eyes filled with tears and the agent began to whisper apologies and excuses with a kind of desperation he had never seen. “No, no. Not you. I love you, I’m ready to marry you if you say you’re ready…I just–I don’t want to be an Avenger anymore. I don’t want to be without you 90% of the time…I don’t want to be afraid and I want to start a life with you. Fuck, Phil…baby, I know you love this but–but you could have died. You could have died and then I would have been all alone again.” Color had returned to Phil’s cheeks, but the tears hadn’t really left his eyes. Tony pressed his right thumb on Phil’s right cheekbone and cleaned the droplet that had fallen there.

“I’m exhausted.” Phil whispered, as if it was a terrible secret. “And I–I need to get stuff in order. Stuff I don’t want you to know about” he said before Tony could ask. He felt annoyed, and hurt, for half a second, but then decided to trust Phil. “And I love you, you stupid man” He added with a choked laugh. Tony laughed and kissed the corner of his mouth.

“You can get your shit in order while I build you hand.”

“I don’t need a new hand?”

“I know you don’t, but I want to give you the chance to decide.” Phil nodded. Tony couldn’t resist and kissed him again.


End file.
